Sunday, July 7, 2013

Feeling Unloved

I made a wish last night at 11:11. Typical white girl, I know. And usually I wish for something stupid like, "I wish that tomorrow will be great"  or "I wish that I make an A on that test". It's usually dumb or trivial things that I wish for, things that have a pretty good chance of happening whether I made that wish or not. But I suprised myself last night.

When I noticed the time on my iPhone, I shut my eyes and sat there for a second or two. What is it that I really want? I actually took into careful consideration over what I was wishing for, as if the wish was guaranteed to happen. And the weird thing was, I didn't try to process what I was wishing for. I didn't neccessarily think about it, I just tried to find what was really bugging me at the moment. Finally, my mind blurted out, I wish that I felt loved.

I wasn't expecting that at all. As crazy as that seems, my mind totally went out on it's own. But when I really thought about it, I was feeling alone and confused and unloved. Those feelings don't come around all too often (thank God) but when they do it stings. It stings all over my body. I get that gut wrenching feeling, the same feeling you get when you realize you left your homework at home or realize that your friend is talking about you behind your back. It's like a pang of disappointment and then it fizzles out into sorrow and distress.

I also have the tendency to not truly think about how I feel about certain situations. Usually my mind doesn't sort it all out until I'm trying to go to sleep, the universal place where all unhappy things come back to haunt you.

After a lot of thinking and recapping of my day, it turns out I should have been feeling unloved or unwanted at certain times. Girls exclude each other. Girls say things they shouldn't. Girls don't say things when they should.

My day wasn't totally awful, but I had a couple of rough spots that made me feel uneasy. It's funny how you can be surrounded by people and yet feel alone. I could have all the friends anybody could ever want, but I would still feel as if I was just there. Like my friends keep me around because I've there for so long. They just let me stay to be nice. Like I'm of no use in their workplace of friends, just kind of the employee that nobody wants to let go even though they are of no use anymore to the company.

I almost feel like the feeling of being unloved is merely psychological. You're friends don't really talk about you as much as you think they do. They love you more than you think they do. They want to be around you more than you think they do. The feeling is also mutual. They probably think you talk about them more than you do. They probably think you don't love them as much as you really do. In reality, both you and your friends have felt unloved by each other.

I wish I had a cure for it though. A medicine that takes away the nasty feelings of life. I don't have some simple thing that you can do. I don't have the answers, although I wish I did.

Life's getting pretty complicated. Maybe next time I should wish to become a cat.

Have a fabulous Sunday.

(More on my most recent trip later.)

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