End of My First Year of College: Thoughts, Feelings, & Other Shit

Wow. Long time no see.

Actually, reaaaaaally long time no see I should more appropriately say. It's been a while. I apologize truly, deeply, immensely. College is crazy and stressful and a whirlwind, and as I sit here thinking about my first year I cannot believe it's gone. I envision my freshly unpacked and organized dorm room back in August with bleary eyed parents and a heart bursting in unknowns and excitement, and I blinked and suddenly it was May, and I was staring at a haphazardly packed dorm room grown with new things and new memories.

I'm back home sitting in what was once my room longing for my other home. College is weird like that I suppose — my heart is split among an entirely new city and a group of people I have shared an amazingly wild and adventurous year with. I miss my people here though — my friends that I shared 18 years with, my parents and other adults who feel like my parents, these people who made me the person that was sent to college. Old with new, new with old. It's weird, and I am embracing it.

A picture of my beautiful school. 

My year of college was a lot of what I hoped it would be, some of it not so much, and other aspects were far beyond what I could have imagined. I'm not going to lie, first semester was weird. Not necessarily bad, but weird. I really hope others don't feel alone on this front — that first semester (and for many that first year) is awkward as you try to find the puzzle that fits your pieces.

I felt alone at times and yet utterly loved in others. By the beginning of second semester that conglomerate of feelings blended into a much better, stronger me. I found my home in an amazing organization at my University, and as cliche as this sounds, my heart feels one beat away from bursting as I begin to think about the people who accepted me into the puzzles of their lives, slowly first semester and then everything fell into place second semester. Long story short, don't feel discouraged, don't feel like you're the only one who feels alone. Eventually, you'll find your place — your puzzle.

Don't be scared to try something that you have utterly no idea how to do because odds are you will try something and realize that those who have been there all four years also have utterly no idea what to do, but they have just a smidge of a better idea than you and will pass on what they know.

Clutch onto your academics and love them. Even the most boring and uninteresting classes will find some way to bring relevance into your life. In high school, I felt like I was there because I had to be — I made good grades and got shit done, but I didn't feel engrossed in what I was learning. College is a whole different world, and I can't stress enough trying to find love in what you're learning. Take classes that are in your major, take classes that have no relevance to your major — G R O W. Make a bomb ass studying playlist, brew yourself some nice coffee/tea, and really learn the material and kill your papers like you were born to write them.

I get a lot of satisfaction in my grades which is a true double edged sword. It makes me take great pride in my academics, but also can really bring me down when things don't turn out as anticipated, so although this might be contradicting to my previous advice: take everything with a grain of salt. Take criticism and learn from it, but also don't be afraid to just completely ignore some things. There is no straight answer to most things in life and in many cases within this world no one way is completely right and no one way is completely wrong.

Don't let every bad thing bring you down. Drink a margarita and forget about things when need be. Cry often and sometimes with friends. Try to choose school over Netflix, but don't feel guilty when you occasionally do the opposite. Tell everyone you love them, and hug more often than not. Listen to your friends' music choices and blend them with your own. Also, don't blink a lot because an entire year of your life might pass by.

Have a fabulous day my friends (if you're still here).

A Donald Trump Presidency: Reflections on the Election and the Future

ALERT: This post is suuuuuper long, but something I just really needed to write about. I am as sick and tired of hearing about the election as the next guy (and I'm a poli sci major!), but I just really needed to get this all off my chest. To lighten the mood I have chosen to fill this post with Bernie Sanders memes. 

When I was a sophomore in high school I took a political science course my second semester. I'm sure I've at least briefly mentioned this before on my blog, but this course is what made me realize that I wanted to pursue a career in the political realm. I can't exactly pinpoint what in that class made me want to chase a path of democracy and political madness, but I'm positive it was a combination of my marvelous teacher and the intimate understanding of government and freedom she presented in front of me throughout the semester.

Anyways, that was not the point of me bringing up that course. Throughout this past election cycle, I have repeatedly thought of something my teacher had scrawled across the board one of the first weeks of class. It was an ancient Chinese curse. "May you live in interesting times," it said, and interesting times we certainly live in.

On Election Night, I spent my time covering the North Carolina Democratic Election Party in my state's capital. I write for my University's newspaper (which is one of the most decorated college newspapers in the country and is the largest newspaper in our community not just our university, sorry for my #shameless bragging), and me and a few other staff writers were sent to cover the party. Most people seemed fairly confident that Clinton would win. The polls were confident she would win. I was pretty confident she would win. I had talked to a few Trump supporters that day, and they themselves were even admitting that a Clinton victory was likely.

What happened that night though was far different than what most of us had expected. At 2:30 am I read the words "Donald Trump has won the Presidency" on my computer screen. My emotions were quite mixed. I was not necessarily angry—mostly sad. Sad to see that Americans could vote for a man who has consciously spewed hate towards so many groups and minorities (note: I must admit I wrote this the day after the election and upon reflection and conversation, I have come to see the light of what has led many to vote for Trump—my initial statement is not implying that those who voted for Trump were heartless/racist/awful people, the statement was just a very raw feeling I held immediately after the results).

I must preface here though with my constantly changing stances throughout this election. I was very, very fond of Senator Bernie Sanders. I don't necessarily consider myself a socialist, but I am a supporter of the thought that a little bit of socialism can go a long way for our country and for our people. Although Bernie advocated for what some consider "extreme" policies (and I use extreme very, very loosely, they were extreme for Americans but certainly not for people living outside of our country—I am aware that Sanders would be considered a moderate in many European nations).

I knew that a Sanders presidency would mostly result in his socialist leaning policies being quite watered down in order to pass through Congress, but I was confident these policies would still bring good to our nation. Also, I am an AVID supporter of campaign finance reform and the fact that he ran without a Super PAC was golden to me. In comparison to Ms. Clinton, he was by far much less corrupt as well. I truly felt like Mr. Sanders represented who I wanted in a president.

Regardless, my man Bernie lost the primaries. Rigged or not, I accepted it. This is democracy, and democracy can only thrive when we vote and still acknowledge the outcome no matter which way it sways. You have to take what happens and progress with the results.

From there I was left with two options that did not appeal to me. It was quite interesting because both Ms. Clinton and Mr. Trump had major flaws going into the election, and interesting times were certainly upon us. Clinton had made mistakes—emails, Benghazi, you name it. They made her appear untrustworthy and a liar. Trump couldn't keep his mouth shut and his rhetoric genuinely saddened me as everyday I awoke to news stories covering the latest hateful and (for the most part) overwhelmingly incorrect statements and comments he had made. 

In the end, my decision to vote for Ms. Clinton boiled down to two things. For one, ideologically I aligned with Clinton waaay more than I did with Trump. I remember I had read an article one day from a Trump supporter who stated something along the lines of "Neither candidate is amazing, but in the end I support Trump because we align the best ideologically" meaning smaller government, pro-life, anti-gay marriage—basically the Republican party platform, and I completely understood where she was coming from. I also agreed that both candidates were less than stellar, but in the end I had to go with the person I agreed with best ideologically—Ms. Clinton.

My choice though stemmed from something else as well. Despite Ms. Clinton's major fuck-ups (read again: Benghazi and emails), I genuinely believed she wouldn't pull either one of those things again. She was certainly pulled through the mud over and over again throughout her campaign because of these things (and honestly rightfully so—if you're going to mess up so majorly and run for President the people have a right to know you've learned from your mistakes). I thought she genuinely would become a better politician because of it, and yet, as the campaigns continued Clinton ran hers with dignity and I could not say the same for Trump. The real distinction was simple: the things I disliked Clinton for were things she had done in the past, and the things I disliked Trump for were things he was doing currently. I could see Clinton visibly changing, and yet Trump continued on his rampage of hate and prejudices.

I wrote a lot of this post in the days immediately following the election, yet it has taken me a long time to pull together this entire thing. As I write this paragraph it is December 12—well over a month since the election—and my emotions are a lot less strong then they were originally. In a way, I'm glad I have let this post sit in my drafts folder. When things initially happen, your emotions and actions immediately following are the most deeply rooted and powerful. I'm glad I was able to capture some of that in the beginning, but as I sit here over a month later I want to conclude with some of my more clearer thoughts that I've been able to sort through since that Tuesday night.

A core principle of a continuing and thriving democracy is transition of power. It is so so so so important that in order for a democracy to be successful, it must be able to see power transition from one political faction to the next. I understand that people are angry, sad, scared out of their ever living minds for a Trump presidency. As a white, middle class, heterosexual female, I know that I cannot even begin to fathom what some groups are feeling—a sense of being scared of who they are or what they aren't.

But, we have to take what democracy has handed to us and run with it. We have to allow for the transition of Obama to Trump, and continue to show up. To show up and to vote, to fight, to speak, to write, to love.

If anything, the results of this election should ignite your passions and fire even more. It should make you want to fight and love more fiercely than you ever thought you could. It should propel you into taking down the injustices you care so deeply about. Before I go, I will leave you with a poem shared with me on the morning of November 9.

Shoulders

A man crosses the street in rain,
stepping gently, looking two times north and south,
because his son is asleep on his shoulder.

No car must splash him.
No car drive too near to his shadow.

This man carries the world’s most sensitive cargo
but he’s not marked.
Nowhere does his jacket say FRAGILE,
HANDLE WITH CARE.

His ear fills up with breathing.
He hears the hum of a boy’s dream
deep inside him.

We’re not going to be able
to live in this world
if we’re not willing to do what he’s doing
with one another.

(Naomi Shihab Nye, 1952)

I will say it again: we have to take what democracy has handed to us and run with it.

Have a fabulous day.

A Mild Rant

This is something I wrote about a month before I left for college. Now I am over two and a half months into my first semester, and I totally forgot about this. Nevertheless, it is never too late to share something. Enjoy.

Before I begin this, I just want to say thank you all for your kind words on my last post. :) It means so very, very much to me that I can post once every few months, and yet you all are still here reading and commenting. It makes my blogger heart very full and content in knowing I am choosing the right thing with such a lovely community.

Now, onto something entirely different with a not so smooth transition. This is something I've been wanting to talk about for so long. Not to brag at all (seriously, if you ever met me in person you would know I'm super humble about my grades), but I was a straight A student in high school. I was valedictorian of my class. I'm going to (in my opinion) one of the best state schools in the country. These are just things that I feel as if you need to know to understand my anger as I explain this rant (once again, seriously not bragging at all—I actually hate talking about my grades and very, very few friends I've made in college know that I was valedictorian in high school).

The amount of times I've had people tell me "I hope you know you won't be able to make straight As in college" or some other variation of that phrase is astounding. I hear it weekly if not more. I get it. People want to prepare me for college, but I'm not naive. I do not expect under any means to make straight As in college. I expect to make my first B and even C (hopefully no Ds though, but hell, it could happen). I understand college will be hard. I understand my workload will increase, and I will be way more responsible for my education than ever before. I get ALL OF THIS.

Now in no ways will this mean I won't strive to get As in classes nor will I slack off. I have a pretty damn good work ethic (not to brag too much or anything here), and I am prepared to work my ass off. I also know that there will be limitations. I will procrastinate too much. There will be some concepts I just won't totally understand or get. I will bomb one too many tests. I am aware that I am not nor will I ever be the smartest person in the world or even in the class. I have limitations, and I'm not naive about them.

I just wish people would stop treating me as if I am a oblivious high schooler. That's all I ask.

Have a fabulous day.

Summer/College/Life

So once again, it's been a while. I just got back from a mash of five separate trips causing me to be away from home five out of the past seven weeks. I, however, have no regrets. I am so thankful for the diverse trips I was fortunate enough to go on. Everyone says you should spend as much time as possible home the summer before you go to college, but being able to travel with both my family and friends has been such a beautiful experience. My heart is full to say the least.

I recently got back from Target where I bought a journal. This blog itself has been a wonderful online journal, but I want something a tad more private. I've been having a lot of emotions recently (I am the first to admit I am a sentimental fuck), so I am hoping this journal will be a nice place to document and write through my feelings. A combination of travel and leaving my hometown for college is mostly to blame for all of this, but it's all good.

Before I sign off on this blog post, there is something I need to share with you all. For the past two months, I thought long and hard about closing my blogging era down. I simply felt as if I did not have an adequate amount of time anymore to devote to this place, and yet, I could not fathom ending my blog. I love, love, love writing here. I love the community, and the reflection this blog allows. Just know that whether I write three blog posts a day or three blog posts a year, I'll still be here.

And on that note, have a fabulous day.

Rambling Thoughts

I've been feeling rather inspired lately, but oddly enough, the feelings can't be put into words; my inspiration doesn't come in the form of blog posts or ideas—mostly just happiness. Which is about the only way I can describe my feelings: fulfillment, happiness, and contentedness. I'm finding joy in my strengths and even a sense of acceptance in my faults. Some things about me can be changed, and yet, other things cannot, and I am finding that it is important that I understand and learn to love my shortcomings that cannot be transformed.

As college approaches I'm scrambling to find out who my 18 year old self is. A lot of importance is placed on starting over in college, and I'm hoping to realize who I am so I can pick and choose the friends and activities that will best mesh and reflect me. Of course this is all easier said than done—who I am now will not be who I am in a year or even a month, and I'm sure I really won't completely "find myself" by the end of the summer. It is just a thought I want to keep in my mind and try my best to strive for.

I don't want to set the bar too high for summer this year as nothings worse than disappointing your own expectations, yet I digress. I'm going to be doing a bit more traveling than usual this summer (including a relatively solo trip to NYC with a good friend of mine) which makes me utterly excited. I'm also on the lookout for inspiration during the coming months—music wise, book wise, movie wise. I came across a documentary called "All This Panic" about a handful of girls coming to age in New York City, and I desperately want to attend a showing of it (although sadly, I live in the middle of nowhere especially in terms of the art world, and I'm having the worst time finding it on my next best option, the Internet). I'm realizing that I am becoming less and less fascinated in fantasy based things and more and more intrigued with thought provoking, non-cliche works of art. Anyways, music/book/movie suggestions are appreciated!

An old picture from my first visit to NYC

I'm happy to be back blogging friends, I'm happy to be back. Have a fabulous day.

Living

This is a blog post well overdue. Nearly four months overdue, yet I digress. As nearly all of my hiatuses, this was totally unintended. One week shed into the next and before I knew it, it was May and I hadn't read a blog post nor posted one since mid January. What can I say except I was living. As my final semester of high school wrapped up this week, I realized how little attention I had been paying to my blog, something that makes me bittersweet. When I scroll through my blog, I take notice of the times where I didn't post for a few weeks—usually due to the fact that I was, well, living. It makes me sad in the sense that I wished I could better document these times of living, but I will take the silence as an intuition of my time. I have always commented that I love how this blog has acted as a diary of my high school years, so the lack of posts during my final months of high school is a little unsettling, but there are other things more worth my time that I can fret over.

Hopefully, I'm back for good. I am currently struggling over the humongous task of catching up on reading four months of blog posts from all the blogs I follow (a task I am not even sure I can take on). Regardless, I hope that I absence of classes and work will allow me to better allocate my time resulting in more blog posts.

How my life felt in gif form, going from one place to the next.

Of course, have a fabulous day.

When You Buy a Powerball Ticket

Interesting things are happening within America. The Powerball Jackpot hit $1.5 billion (which actually comes out to be a lot less money after taxes — depending on which state you live in it's only about $600 million  if you take the lump sum (and I say only very sarcastically because $600 million is A TON OF MONEY REGARDLESS)).

But anyways.

The jackpot is $1.5 billion thanks to the fact that there hasn't been a winner in quite some time, therefore causing the jackpot to roll over and over and over every week that went by without a winning ticket. Or at least that's how I think it works. Honestly, I am not too sure how this all happened. All I know is that I bought a ticket.

At 10:59 pm they will draw the numbers, and I probably will not be any richer. My odds of winning are 1 in 292,201,338 but those are better odds than if I hadn't bought a ticket at all I suppose.

Regardless, social media errupted with tweets and Facebook memes about this enormously large powerball. I want to share them with you for a good Wednesday night laugh. I started my new semester this week and it has been somewhat of a downer for me for reasons I am not so sure. I'm hoping to figure out my emotions and get my shit together in the coming days, and I think some funny pictures will do us all some justice.

This is an old one from when the Powerball Jackpot was significantly smaller, but still very funny.

And as always. have a fabulous day.